Ah, how long it has been since I’ve last written! Surprisingly, what inspired me to write right now is the memory of my blog-writting and story-editing days. -sigh-

I remember the past two years when I jumped head-first to the world of reading,  writing and story-editing. Claudette, a good friend of mine, warned me about my addiction with the said world. It got so bad that I usually didn’t have a wink of sleep at night.

Well, that world wasn’t really the primary reason why I didn’t get sleep. It was those nightmares…

Oh, but that’s all with the past. I’m a changed person now, anyway. Though I’d really love to have that ingenuity in writing again, I’m happy with the way I am right now.
You know, I don’t even know what I’m writing right now. XD

I really want to write something down, but I guess I can’t. I haven’t the power to speak of it, even if it is bothering me…

I need him again.

—

Believe it or not, Kuya Joshua’s blog actually inspired me to write. :))

—

Songs in my mind:

“Confessions of a broken heart” by Lindsay Lohan

“Tango Maureen” and “Goodbye Love” by RENT

“Lying is the most fun a girl could have without taking her clothes off” by Panic!

Yesteryear, 2007, I turned 14. I couldn’t believe it; I really was turning to be a teenager. Starting the later months, life became brighter for me - inch by inch, I started to recuperate and to heal from the wounds and scars I regained the past years. My depression was over. I gained friends who would last me a life time. God really pulled me from the dark zone and into the light. I started to become a little angel again, a child before God’s eyes.

I believed 2008 promised me a wonderful roller coaster ride, a ride I won’t ever forget in my life.

I didn’t know how right I was.

This year… There are still two months left before it passes by. In the future, I’ll always reminisce what had and what will take place this year.

March 2008. I turned 15. It was even more of a shock when I found out that I won’t take summer school for my junior year! That meant that I would be able to take part of the JRev Thailand Outreach. I knew this was God’s gift for me, since it would have taken a miracle for me to pass. I became giddy for the next month.

April, May 2008. Sure enough, I did take part of the said Outreach. I was away from my family for almost a month to spread the Word of God in another country which I came to love, Thailand. I experienced things I never thought I would experience… such as riding a motorcycle, not taking a bath for almost three days, jumping off a waterfall, seeing a near-death experience right in front of my eyes, socializing myself with tribes, sleeping at another person’s house, eating very exotic food… many things. For the whole trip… I knew God was by my side, and still is.

I fell in love with God all over again.

The next couple of months were spent reminiscing my time with God’s people… and of course, readying for my college application.

June 2008. I am a certified senior. I’m now a graduating student of the University of Santo Tomas Pay High School, as surprising as it is. I never expected to get this far… and I was thankful for God that he carried me to where I am now. I entered the corridors that’s oh-so-familiar with me… and re-united with my friends. Reminiscing the past while looking at them, I was assured that we really were seniors now - gone were the pastel-colored pigtails and baby-faced guy friends, and was instead greeted with maturity-defining hairstyles and signs of growing moustaches. By the end of the school year, the cliques and quos of this batch of students would join as one in putting on their graduation robes and enter the world of college.

I didn’t know if I was scared or excited. Maybe I was feeling both.

For the next couple of months, events were scattered here and there… but there were a lot of defining moments.

I think the only thing that I feel sorry for is my hair. In less than 10 months, my waist-length hair was curled, cut to mid-length, cut to shoulder-length, cut to chin-length, curled again, and was more than likely abused than what I had already dictated.

My circle of friends became a confusion, a wreck, and then re-bonded. There were a few misunderstandings here and there, a question of who real friends were, and etcetera, but one thing’s for sure - we became stronger than ever. We’re now called the Braguda family. I know you think that the name’s kinda suprising (stupid, to put it more bluntly), but hey - we’re teenagers. We could be weird once in a while, you know. XD

I also experienced one thing I never thought I would - I found real love. Yes, I fell in love. God and he were gracious enough that I was actually able to experience it.

Oops! I won’t give you any more details, and I know I’m too young for that. I won’t pursue anything more; I’m already happy that I got to feel what love is. It’s actually a complicated matter, but all I have to say is that…

Love is so much a wonderful experience, and really is the most powerful thing in the world.

Since I’m still 15, of course I wouldn’t act on it. I love this person, and I respect him too much for that. No, hindi ako lumalandi, as people so lovely call it. As I always say, I’m still too young for love… I’m sure that if God planned it, then I’ll experince love again in the future.

First loves are special…and doesn’t die. He’ll always cross my mind, that’s for sure. ^^

-glare- Don’t tease me, after you read this. I’ll haunt you if you do. XD

That’s all for now. I’m actually sick today and tomorrow’s the start of the second sem… so I’ll stop writing now. Visit my site again if you want to hear more from me. ^^

Ack. I tell you, don’t even try it.

I’m still residing in Thailand, so I can’t say I left my heart in Thailand… though, really, I left my heart in Chiang Mai.

Yesterday, we stopped by a fortune teller because a friend of my aunt wanted to see one. Remember that I’m still in Thailand, so with no doubt would there be Buddha images.

Unless you don’t know of the spiritual battle, you wouldn’t understand what I would be saying. When I entered the lot, it smelled of incense and… dog smell. When I entered the house however, I started to feel it.

Head ache, difficulty in breathing…

In other words, I felt nauseated.

We stayed there for thirty minutes or more. I remember writing in a piece of paper: “Let the God of David lord over this house…” and placing it underneath a Buddha image. Thankfully, nobody saw me doing it. :]

So, after that we went to Dream World, a theme park.

I tell you: after having a spiritual battle, NEVER ride a nauseating ride.

I’m proud of the fact that I never puked in any theme park that I went to. Dizziness was the farthest I would encounter, but puking? Never.

But no, my body wasn’t able to take it all.

It was my first time. The first time I actually puked in a comfort room of a theme park. Sadly, I have to let go of that factor in my ‘pride list’. (hehe)

Well, as embarassing as it was, I felt the need to share it. Haha!

Have a smile for a while and a laugh or two for the day. ^^

My God. I never thought it would actually go to this point.

I was searching for a website called "LIFE", since I needed to get some information for Abortion, Euthanasia, etc. That was when I came across a website saying, "Abortion is pro-life, anti-abortion is anti-life."

I almost cried to tears when I saw this website. As I’ve said, I never thought
it would actually go to this point. I never thought that humans would actually reason out that abortion is pro-life, using philosophical words to ‘prove’ that they are right.

I think those philosophers never intended to have their thoughts used on these kind of things.

I never thought that humans would actually condemn babies inside a woman’s womb, the place where they actually thrived in before they were born.

The place where they were once in.

Ayn Rand, one of the writers in the site, commented that:

    "I cannot project the degree of hatred required
to make those women run around in crusades against abortion. Hatred
is what they certainly project, not love for the embryos, which
is a piece of nonsense no one could experience, but hatred, a virulent
hatred for an unnamed object…Their hatred is directed against
human beings as such, against the mind, against reason, against
ambition, against success, against love, against any value that
brings happiness to human life. In compliance with the dishonesty
that dominates today’s intellectual field, they call themselves
‘pro-life."

Yes, she used fancy and deep words to make her seem right. She said that we, the people who are against abortion, projects hatred.  I would like to say that we do not project hatred, but rather CRIES from the children who weren’t able to mutter even a single sound, the DESPAIR and REVOLT a true mother would feel… the sadness that a true mother would feel the death for her child.

It was also commented that:

    "A fetus does not have a right to be in the womb of any woman, but is there by her permission. This
permission may be revoked by the woman at any time, because her womb is
part of her body. Permissions are not rights. There is no such thing as
the right to live inside the body of another, i.e. there is no right
to enslave."

…are you meaning to tell me that if a woman didn’t want a child, she can just let go of it? If so, then why did God made a woman’s womb INSIDE her body, and not outside? Believe me, even that child wouldn’t want to be there if his mom is like that. That child didn’t want to be there in his own choice, it was a given. If that child is not wanted by the mother and that ‘mother’ had a child because of her own mistake (pre-marital sex), she has no right to say such things.

I then found another site , and thankfully it was in terms with what I was looking for.

This time, I really cried.

Let me post here what first greeted my eyes, and what is written in that website.

Can you face the truth? This is what you all are laughing at. This is
what you are responsible for. Go ahead, laugh at abortion if you can.
The abortion "choice" means, death to a human being at a rate of over
3,000 every single day. That’s like having a 9/11 attack every day. 50
million human beings have been killed by a woman’s right to choose.
Like I always say, what are you choosing?

Please let this open your eyes. If this isn’t enough, then what would be? That website is actually contributing to the deaths of millions of children. Many women were ’saved’ by that website. It hurts and kills my heart for those children. Those embryos, as they call them, would actually be an ‘official’ PERSON given just 9 months.

Please don’t take those children without having thoughts, feelings, and a heart.

They have one. They just can’t express it YET.

Everyday, we wake up and do the daily routine:
Wake up, take a bath, dress up, then go to school/work. While there we
study/work and eat between breaks, then we go home and do what we
should… after that, we sleep and the day repeats. Ah, the simple life,
isn’t it?

But really, are you joking me? We are living in
the best and the worst of times. Not everything is that simple. Let me
ask you this: how many times have you complained? How many times have
you criticized our country’s current state of poverty, our government’s
corruption… the little and the big things?

My point here is: What are you doing? Are you trying to do something to make a change in our country, to act on the things that you complain of?

You forget that there is a war. I’m not talking about war between nations; I’m talking about a spiritual war here. You might think that I’m crazy now, huh? But it is true
– Look around you! 9/11 happened. Virginia Tech. Massacre happened. The
bombing at Glorietta 2 happened. Still not enough? Look at every
street. There are children being abused by their parents. They beg,
starve, and are actually already trying to make a living – children who
could’ve a better future. Let me ask you again: What are you doing?
Perhaps you don’t get my point here. These tragedies happen not only
because of our laziness and unawareness, but also because Satan is in
our midst. You don’t believe me? Then tell me, why is it that, based on
a survey done on 2005, 42% of songs on ten top-selling CDs in 1999
contained sexual content, 41% of which were “very explicit” or “pretty
explicit”?  Why is it that 50% of all Christian men and 20% of all
Christian women are addicted to pornography? The Music Industry is now
falling on his hands, even our doctors! 46 million abortions around the
world took place per year, including countries that are of
anti-abortion. More and more children and women are being abused – 3
children die per day caused by physical injuries, while 1 out of 3
women are abused worldwide. 15 million children die per year because of
starvation and malnutrition. So far, 22 million died from AIDS – A
sexually-transmitted disease. Satan is using our weaknesses and our surroundings against us.

These things weren’t that worse only a hundred years ago.
He is doing every thing he can to destroy us. His plan is to prevent
the message of salvation from reaching the lost, since he can no longer
prevent salvation. Satan has two distinct strategies: one for the lost,
and the other for the saved. I could say that his plan for the lost is
simple - keep people lost and prevent them from seeing the Gospel. For
the saved though, it’s a little more complex. A saved person is a
walking dynamite, as far as Satan and the fallen angels are concerned.
Don’t reason out that there are still the priests who would be able to
manage the disasters around us – even they are still humans. Even they
are tempted; even they sin. Even they, sometimes, lack a hunger for
God. Even they sometimes question faith.

You are part of
the lost if you can’t see what is surrounding you. All of us Believers
are part of the army of God. A soldier couldn’t be part of a war if he
doesn’t know that there’s a war! Also, he would die in a battle field
if s/he isn’t prepared. This is why we should act NOW. It’s already
unfair that Satan had thousands of years to prepare; would you really
waste more time? Would you really let him win?

Of course you’ve heard that ‘God gave us talents so that we could use it for His Kingdom‘;
perhaps you can’t even count how many times you’ve heard it. Well, I
tell you, NOW is the time that we should really use our talents for the
greater good. There are already organizations around the world trying
to make a cause. There are Christian bands trying to reach out to the
youth through music – from Lifehouse’s Everything to Hillsong’s One Way. A Filipino founded Jesus Revolution
here in the Philippines, and it’s slowly touching the hearts of the
people from inside the nation to the other countries. People around you
are trying to reach out and make a difference – but it still isn’t
enough.

I’m now asking you to do something.

I’m
not asking you to do big things like creating a ministry, or something
parallel to that. Just a simple addition to your routine like giving
food to a begging child along Dapitan once a day, dropping a ‘useless’
coin to a Bantay Bata donation can, or trying to have a
personal relationship with God by talking to him for at least an hour
or thirty minutes per day if possible. Little things could be big
things, given that most people do it.

You ask if you can make a difference? You can.

Fellowship and Suffering

‘…but there are some who try to
be friends with you. Like me. But then [my] and your stupid feelings
started to take over. Then what do we get? A screwed up friendship.
Hell..’

Wow. I never thought that his words back then would actually still be useful today.

How does one let go of a friend that s/he never really had?

There’s one quote that I remember, saying “…a lover’s for a lifetime, but a friend is forever.” We never really liked each other more than friends, and even though it’s weird… I mean, letting go of a friend that I never really had.

Was it all a lie? Everything he said? It makes me wonder if he had some hidden agenda. Revenge, maybe, for what has happened in the past? I don’t think he’d stoop that low. The thing is, I couldn’t find it in myself to blame him for the fall out. If there is one thing that made two persons friends, it would be TRUST. I still trust him, yet he couldn’t find it in himself to trust me even if he already said that he did.

What did I do, in the first place?

Am I wrong to question these things? Can a friendship between a girl and a boy really work out? Would deleting him from my life be a mistake? I only asked of him one thing: for him to learn how to trust. Yet, even though he verbally agreed, that still won’t be enough if he really doesn’t want to, right? That was actually for his own good… but I guess in the end it wasn’t.

We already had a fight long ago. I came out scathed, and I know he did also… but we worked it out. Now? I don’t think anyone would be able to fix it again. To tell the truth, he actually caught a glimpse of the real me at that time, but never really understood it. It’s one of the reasons why I asked if I could trust me after the fight, and vice versa… but I guess we never really were meant to be friends.

The letter below is one of the letters from the first fight we had. He sent this to me on January 30, ‘07.

Dear Analiria,

I want to say sorry once again about the last
time we talked. I admit that It was my fault because I was rude and I
didn’t try to understand what you are trying to say.

[Some text missing] Still, If you
still feel unsure of what I am saying don’t hesitate to pour your heart
out.

Email me. I’ll reply in a heart beat.

—-

I am my own Lilith

By Analiria

—-

Beside this tree I would continue to weep,

Beside this grave I would continue to grieve.

Besides the life that this world could give,

I choose to stay and refuse to leave.

—

T’was in the past, not long ago,

That we promised each other: We will not let go.

That we will live a life full of happiness

And help each other when sad and oppressed.

—

It is a shame however,

That until the end we had stood together.

Without that promise, I still believe,

You’ll be beside me and would continue to breathe.

—

I still remember that night of dread.

It was of vivid detail; how could I forget?

I still hear the people cry, begging me to leave you die…

Asking me to save myself and leave the scene of the crime.

—

‘Tis funny that until now,

I still hear people; They still cry out!

Now they ask me to forget my past,

To move on and live my life to its last.

—

But I cannot, I know that!

I am my own Lilith.

To the end of my days will I stay in this place,

A book in my hand and my back on a myrtle…

Hoping my prayers would reach heaven above.

—

Stop Me

…By Analiria, on 12-21-‘07.

—

Of the seven years we’ve known each other,

Seven months were given to know you deeper,

It was surprising that I’ve fallen for thee,

Oh love, do stop me for I might follow thee.

—

Stupid I was for not trying to find

What was hidden beneath the laughs and the smiles.

If only I found the sadness in your eyes…

Oh love, do stop me for I might follow thee.

—

Long before, t’was only hate that I’ve known

What I have felt towards the actions you’ve shown.

If only I’ve known then the love that I held.

Oh love, do stop me for I might follow thee.

—

Pain eats me as I heard of thy passing.

Still remembering the eyes that stopped twinkling.

Now I dwell on the reality of death.

Oh love, do stop me for I might follow thee.

—

T’was seven months after that I have read,

The letters you sent me telling of your regrets.

If only I’ve said the only thing that we share.

Oh love, do stop me for I might follow thee.