I don’t care, since not many of you are reading this blog anyways.

It’s as if kicking an already wounded person. Don’t you think it annoying? Knowing your own faults and flaws, and yet people still choose to send you disapproving glances and tell you again and again that you should do better. It’s as if they don’t have their own flaws. It’s as if I haven’t said those words before.

I know that they’ve already been saying it to me a million times, and I still choose not to change myself. I know it’s my own fault… but do they really have to do this? Am I not allowed to have some flaws and mistakes? Am I not allowed to have the same mistakes that they did? Am I not allowed to be a human being at all?

Humans aren’t perfect, and they’re driving me to be perfect. I might be crazy, but I know that a person can’t strive to be perfect. No matter how many books I read, how many lessons I take, or how many things I’ve seen, there are still a million things I do not know.I don’t have proper etiquette, I can’t even pronounce properly at times, I’m not a beautiful girl… why do they want me to be someone whom I am not? I know that I could take the hard path and try to make myself be better, but can one really blame me for not taking that path?

I already said many times that I don’t regret a thing in my life. I still don’t… but it’s as if they’re telling me that I should. Can they not be judgmental? Everyone of us is different, even though Stereotyping could be shoved in one’s face. Everyone of us have their own flaws, and there could be a limit to one’s natural knowledge about a certain subject. You can’t just shove information to them and expect that they would understand it readily.

…but that’s what they’re expecting me to be.

Many times I hoped that they encourage me rather than throwing me spiteful words. They do encourage me, but that is after they throw me spiteful words. How can encouragement take a blow at one person if the same group of people would discourage the same person a hundred times more powerful than they had encourage him/her?

Ack. I’ve no care. I’ve stopped brooding then, and I don’t want this to be prominent in my life again. I’ve already wasted three years of my life on this, which resulted to my loss of awareness… but also my wisdom. This is one of the reasons why I don’t regret my past. I wonder why it isn’t showing now?

This is why I hate being a teen and a girl. Emotions strike you much harder than it would on a guy.

…but everyone’s entitled to a rant every now and then, right? Just because a person is wise doesn’t necessarily mean that s/he couldn’t get frustrated and/or led by his/her emotions.

It’s been a long time since I’ve updated… and written (even if not an article… weeheii).

I think some of you already realized that I’m becoming anti-social at school… Don’t worry, I’ll go oh-so-social again after a year. Tee Hee.

No oh-so-special even has happened, really.

Let me enumerate crazy things that I’ve done, even if I know it’ll bore you:

1. Read my previous dream diary… It’s kinda scary, if you ask me.
2. Watched Superman and cried. Haha. Joke.
3. Pestered my brother. and sister.
4. Snobbed La Lein, Jude, Aleck, and some other people.
5. Killed a fly.
6. Went to two (or three?) malls in one day.
7. Worried myself with lasagna. (Don’t ask me.)
8. Went crazy.
9. Called myself cute (which happens only once a year… and when I’m crazy.)
10. Wrote a name in a Deathnote notebook. (Don’t ask me)
11. [Tried to] Lick(ed) my nose.
12.  Wrote.

SO there you have it. Not that  fun reading, eh?

~Ciao

It had been a very long time since I updated…

And during that time, I admit I’ve opened up a little.

It’s kinda sad to see pictures of my friends and see that I’m not with them, and that makes me sad. I don’t know why…

But hey, I do know.

Maybe it’s because that I’m trying so hard to grow up that I don’t know how to enjoy life anymore. It’s funny that just three years ago and the time before that, I was a young kid at heart. I didn’t have major problems, I broke some of the rules… I was simply happy, cheery, and the such… and now I see how much I’ve changed.

One of my beliefs is that everything happens for a reason. I always say that I’m happy with who I am now. I’m not saying that I’m not happy with who I am, because I am happy. It’s just that, when I look back, I can’t help but think that I could’ve been a better person… The one that my parents always thought I am three years ago, the one that my parents want me to change back into…

I’m not so sure if my parents like me this way, or if they want me to change back.

*sigh*

Maybe, just maybe, if I continued where I left off three years ago and took the correct turn, maybe I won’t have trust issues now. Maybe I won’t shove a person out off of my life the instant I know he/she loves me as a friend, or maybe something more. Maybe I won’t smile a fake smile. Maybe I would be more happy than I am now.

I don’t know why this is entering my mind. Stress, maybe? Yesterday night, I crumbled. I was thinking of what would happen after people die… after I die. God slipped out of my mind and fear took its place in my body. I nearly cried from fear. I don’t know what’s happening to me, but there must’ve been something that happened… something that I don’t know had happened.

I can’t believe that I’m posting this now. I’m revealing a lot with this post… so if ever you get to see me personally… just don’t talk about this, k? I would be able to handle this on my own…

I just need to take this out of my system. It’s taking its toll on me, and I can’t seem to practice/study with this on my mind.

…and those persons who don’t know me well… I’m guessing this is a shocker for you, huh? Just please don’t talk to me ’bout this…

Wish of the Tormented

…By Analiria, on 06-20-‘07.

As the sun fell on that winter day,

            Tears fell in the dark hallway.

            Instead of insulting you as I always,

            My defence broke down and gave to what I’ve desired always.

I said comforting words,

            Even ones that I myself didn’t believe,

            Yet you looked at me with such astonished eyes,

            Not from hate, but from disbelief.

I guess you wonder:

            “Why does this person,

            One that always insulted me,

            Now give words of wisdom,

            To someone like me?”

But I never hated you,

            I wanted you to detest me,

            Even if it pains me…

            So one wouldn’t know that I care.

            So you wouldn’t be in danger

            And make me feel despair.

I asked you for a date,

            A partner for this night,

            In exchange for the comfort,

            Or I’ll that tell that you’ve cried.

Yet, you merely smile at my empty threat, before saying yes.

I stared at you then,

            Observing your childish manner

            As you twirled around with laughter on your lips…

‘A dream come true’, as people would say.

That was when I did one thing that I’ve promised myself not to do,

            One that would say ‘I love you’…

            I thought you’d pull back, disgusted of my actions,

            Yet you did the exact opposite of what I’ve thought:

            You’ve returned the gesture.

I was amazed,

            Overwhelmed of my emotions.

            And then I remembered,

            The promise that I’ve made…

That’s why I’ll cherish this now,

            Savour this as long as it lasts,

            For I know that…

We aren’t meant to be.

I pulled back, turned, and ran away,

            Leaving you with your thoughts,

            Alone in the hallway.

As the moon shines this fateful day,

            And as the heavens cry the tears I cannot,

            I leaned at my window, looking at the seas…

I closed my eyes and let one arrogant tear fall,

Which I know that sooner or later would become

Suspended in time and space.

• A.N.: This poem was made originally for a Draco/Hermione or Draco/Ginny fanfiction, but in the end… Well, You could say Snape/Hermione as well… Joke!!!

Of Deserted Lands and Mad Smiles

…By Analiria, on 06-19-‘07.

As the moon bathe in these hills,

            And as the sun rises from its sleep,

            Light of the new day creeps its way unto life.

Even if not wanted,

            Black eyes open from its stead,

            And as the grey clouds cover the sun’s rays,

            Crows land on the deserted field.

Who ever made this lovely land?

            Why is it that darkness floods the hills,

            While light sings on the mile away?

As I walk these fields, I ask such questions.

            Though, do you not think that if happiness prevails all in this world,

            A single mistake can turn one to such a drastic state?

            That one would ask more happiness to satisfy his tastes?

The ultimate goal in life is not to reach perfect happiness,

            Because one would get bored and ask for more.

            It is to reach the full extent of all emotions,

            To be able to feel and still be able to stand!

That is why, as I walk this lonely path,

            I stride with a smile.

            One would think it crazy,

            For a positive image in a negative background does not blend together.

But…

The thing is,

            Image is only on thing in our life,

            One that would blur the meaning behind the art.

I will keep smiling,

            Knowing that in the far end of this journey

            Lies the land of milk and honey.

[Finding] Light in the Dark

…By Analiria, on 06-27-‘07.

As the dark times ensue,

            And darkness plagues these lands,

            Where can we find a solution,

            And have a land filed with light?

Poor men keep to alcohol,

            Beating their wives, hurting their child.

            Hopeful men asks for jobs,

            Yet none would give them, most would shame them.

Hurting women wants to report their husband,

            Yet none would listen, most would pity them.

            Women back then asked for rights,

            Yet men made them servants, none would give education.

Children who longed for love,

            Get beaten by their father, shamed by their mother.

            Children who become afraid of their parents,

            Would run out of home, ending to a fate of juvenile youths.

Yet, there are people born

            With happiness by their side, joy in their minds.

            They would wake up surrounded by blessings

            With no traces of shadows, but light in their hearts.

Tell me,

            When would the world find light in the dark?

            In lives of other people, it already has…

            And people who still cry out for normalcy would hope to find peace in God…

Note: This was written on May 11, 2007. It wasn’t finished then, and I did not want to throw this piece of writing away… so I continued writing it! This piece of work was finished on June 03, 2:58 a.m. (Don’t tell my parents. ^^)

Hehe… It’s already 11:13 in the evening, as I’m writing this. I seemingly don’t know what to do, people. (In short, I’m bored… VERY bored.) I am well-aware that only a handful of people read my blog, but even so, it does not strip away my passion to write.

It was just a few minutes ago when I called my previous best-friend and present close friend, Yahselle. I can’t say I completely miss her, but still, that doesn’t mean that I don’t. As I talked to her, I did feel the comfort that only a friend could give, and I don’t know how I can embrace those feelings that I thoroughly miss: The feelings of freedom, of being carefree, and being innocent.

Once upon a time, if I was told that “You would be in some kind of distress, whether be the past, present or future”, I would’ve laughed at that person, you know… but now? I would be smiling at the person, not because I think that he’s mentally ill, but because of the truth behind his words, and how that feeling of distress, desperation and loneliness seem so long ago.

She was a friend that made me feel those wonderful and childish feelings once again. It made me feel that I could have those feelings again, that the mere thought of those feelings that overwhelmed me gave me a feeling of contentedness and having felt it from a close friend of mine, I could say that it’s within my grasp. It’s not dreaming. It’s wanting.

And it’s not selfishness.

Back then, I couldn’t admit that I was selfish. When I was a child, many people were around me. Feeling love and security from other people, I was happy and content. It got to the point that whenever I did something wrong; I felt that that person would leave me and not like me at all anymore. That started my hysterical thinking… I didn’t want to do anything wrong. (This doesn’t add to my grades. I’m still going ‘loka’ on the subject.)

Still, when I met Ira Garcia (If you’re reading this, don’t get the wrong idea man.)… It’s kinda funny, I felt wise. I was wise. My insights for the world came out, and that started my passion for writing… He showed me that through his guitar. That was when I was in my near-ending 1st year.

I started writing when I was Grade 6, but if you look at it now, they’re crappy and are based on fantasies and dreams. It didn’t keep to reality. Some of my works now are based on fantasy and there’s that touch of romance and makes it all magical… but still shows reality at the end. We can’t really escape that fate, you know? Still, the mere thought of magic and reality being put together is very… awesome. Every writing that I make is very important to me, whether it be a simple sentence or a long novel… that’s why I don’t like them being discarded. You see my note at the top? I keep dates, even if it’s not written good enough. That’s how important it is to me.

So technically, Ira-nii-chan here made me realize my talent for writing, and what I can do to help people by writing. Meeting Ira-kun made me throw that thought away of being afraid to do something you want to do but aren’t allowed to. I don’t mean it in a way that I would disobey my parents; I mean it in a way that if I want to bungee jump but is afraid to offend someone, I would still do it. After all, it’s their problem, right? (Unless it’s my mom… You might be wondering: ‘How can bungee jumping offend someone?’ I’m also wondering about that, but hey, there’s a possibility!)

And a certain someone showed me a thing about pasts…

“Eh, past na yun eh. Bat ko pa pakikialaman? Kung ano nangyari, nangyari na.”

That’s what he said (texted) to me one night, while I was sitting bored in our car waiting for my sister and mom to come back from their flight. (Oh, can anyone tell me how he was able to figure out who I am in just one guess if no one but Yahselle and Chiara knew my cell phone number? Oh wait… don’t bother answering this question.)

Well… True. He does have a point. The past is the past; we can’t really do anything about it. I accept what is in my past, what happened in my past. Still, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t care about it, like you’re just going to throw it away. Really, the idea of Jude voodooing you is a very funny scene, you know? (Try imagining Jude wearing an Indian costume and that wrapped cap on his head, waving his hands atop a crystal ball; or him holding a brown doll with human hair on top of its badly sewed head and then pinning the poor doll to the wall.)

If you have done nothing in the past, then what will happen in the future? Our past gives us the inspiration and will to do something else, because commonality in our everyday lives isn’t lovely at all. (Try playing Harvest moon. You do the same thing everyday, and it makes you insane. The only times you become happy is when something breaks the chain, like your cow giving birth to a calf or when it’s time for harvesting.)

That’s why we should do something different everyday. Like going to the orphanage to help people on a random day every month, smiling to someone whose facial expression says: ‘I’m in a bad mood’, or even giving a cold glass of water to the newspaper man (or deliveryman). That would certainly bring joy to our lives.

I think this is what it means to being free and carefree. Even though you’re still handling responsibilities, you oblige what is asked of you and do it willingly and happily.

I give my everlasting love to every person mentioned in this post!

With all my heart,

Analiria, the Christelle behind the Pineda.

P.S.: I know that it doesn’t make sense, but hey, it’s cool to the eyes. Bwahahaha! Oh, and sorry if it keeps jumping to another subject. I’m frantic when I wrote this.

P.P.S.: (This one directed to Ira) I salute you, man! Although… I’ll still have that annoyed side of me focused at you since you thought of leaving THE CSCC band! Still, I’ll support you which ever way you go. (And this is the person who did not want to be your friend, but your acquaintance. Hehe… Remember that message I sent you? ^^ I was so mean then… but to tell you the truth, I’ve already forgiven you a looong time ago. I just wanted to know how ‘stupid’ you were by saying those mean things. The messages that you sent me broke my heart. Ouchies. Jokies!)

P.P.P.S: (To the person who doesn’t give a damn to the past)

I don’t mean anything bad by it when I said that. Still, I don’t think I need to say this ‘cause I know you’re not reading anyway. ^^. BWAHAHAHA!!!

P.P.P.P.S: Jude, if you’re ever reading this, I’m sorry about the voodoo part. You know I ‘love’ you, but I can’t just get that funny image out of my head when I said that to the person mentioned above. I guess I’ll try and force you to wear a costume like that some day… Paskuhan?

It has been a long time since I last updated my blog. I’ve been doing a lot of things recently, so I haven’t the time to update. (Well, I’m sure people won’t mind. *sigh* It’s not as if many people look in my blog. -_-’)

Hmm…. Still, I wouldn’t be able to post in my blog these following weeks. I haven’t the time. I do hope that I would be able to have some time to post in this blog…

I have to say goodbye for now, since I’ll be doing a crossword puzzle. See yah!

So, I made a new song. Again. Yes, I think I’m going through the passion for music. Anyway, here’s the new song:

"Never thought"
-Christelle Pineda

One day
I saw you with another girl
You were at the ice cream shop
where we first met and hit it off

Another day
I saw you with the same girl
Both of you were alone
Confessing, kissing…

On a sunday I’ve been walking down the street
Thinking of you and me
Thinking of you and her
I thought I’d be mad
But that can never be
Since I love you too much for that.

You never thought I know
Never thought I see
Never thought I saw you back was facing me
You never thought I’d known
Never thought I’d seen
Never thought I saw your back was facing me.

So on that day
Our anniversary
I approached you about her
Stating the truth ’bout you and her.

But then you stood up
I tell you…
The tears were in forming in my eyes,
That truth we cannot push behind…

Still you denied and said I’m the one who you love…
I tell you,
The pain that was inside my heart,
The punishment your words gave to me…

So I stood up, wiped my eyes, and accused you the truth:

You never thought I know,
Never thought I see
Never thought I saw your back was facing me
You never thought I’d known,
Never thought I’d seen
Never thought I saw you back was facing me…

But to tell you the truth, you know?
I’d never stop
now will I ever stop loving you.

~Fine

P.S. I know it is kinda plain and love-sick (romancy… elch.), but a song is still a song! I’m proud of being able to make a song, even if it is kinda… romancy. haha!

Okay…

So I’m writing a new song. For what? Nothing. Just for myself.

This is not the finished product. This is the lyrics, but it’s not yet finished because the music’s still not finished. I am planning to take piano lessons again. I have the passion for music, once again. Funny, isn’t it? Throwing away what I’ve learned when I was still a child. Now, I’m regretting it. For what reasons? That’s for me to keep. hehe.

That’s why, it’s a poem for now. I know it’s under the ’songs’ category, but until it is a finished product, I won’t officially declare it a song.

Oh yeah, I’m following the previous Japanese style of songs, which has no chorus and such.

‘Seeing all of me’
by Christelle Pineda

‘You looked at my eyes
Thought you knew who I am
But in truth, you don’t know me.’

People here and there,
Some just rolling, some are stopping
To know what’s happening.
But like ever day, as I tell all
The same words I tell all the time
‘Nothing’s wrong’

It was you who stopped
and listened to my words, my true words.
Those words, full of non-sense.
You thought I was wise,
so you sought consolation, advice.
I told you what I thought true,
not the non-sense I was going through.

I knew you liked me
the words said it all
But I pretended that I didn’t know
I feared of losing a friend

But then one day,
something happened to me on my way
A person whom I cherished
Died the other day.
so I vowed to myself
never to love in my life.
that ‘love’ in the sense
of committing to another.

It was not about the person
whom I cherished and died
But I noticed that you…
that you never noticed what I felt about.

I know that you thought
that you cared about me
but in truth, you know?
You saw only what you
thought was me.

I knew that you loved me
That was the reason why
I said ‘I hate you.’
But that was never the reason.

Maybe it was part of it,
But really?

I let go of you, knowing you never truly cared
But you saw it the wrong way,
thought I saw you the villain.
But in truth?
I saw myself the villain in tears.

You said you saw all of me.
and I laughed at the words.
But hey! I had the right,
Since you never saw me.

Now I am waiting for someone,
that someone to see all of me.

~Fine (for now.)

P.S. There is someone who I said was involved with the song. You know who you are. Don’t comment on this, because even though I can never know what really is going in one person’s mind (Well, not completely), I know what I wrote is true. And I know you’ll say ‘This is not true!’ But really, it is. Even if your mind’s denying it, for goodness’s sake, I know it’s true. And it’s not because I think it’s true. You know what I mean. I saw all of you.